Freedom

Two nights ago I laid down in bed with my iPod on, earplugs in. My boys were barely sleeping, but I needed to rest my eyes after Lasik. I didn't turn my music up very loud. It was not a nod to any fear of noise-induced deafness, but a sense of responsibility to my children that kept the volume low.

I realized that in the three plus years since becoming a mom, I don't ever just let go anymore. I don't turn my music on full-blast. I don't get rip-roaring drunk anymore (mainly due to a fear of dealing with 2 toddlers and a hangover). In fact, nearly everything I do is with one ear, eye or brain cell in tune with my kids.

It is hard to just let it all go, knowing that 2 little people are depending on you. If I turn my music on too loud, I may miss a cry for help after a nightmare. If I get silly drunk, I may have impaired judgement in the unlikely event one of the boys wakes up and needs me in the middle of the night for something more critical than a hug.

I think this is truly the loss of freedom that scares couples discussing the possibility of having kids. Sure there are the mentions of the little superficial things like movies, dinner dates, travel, sports cars etc..., but it is the more subtle loss of freedom that is much more profound in my book and it is also not quite understood until you are a parent.

You can hire a babysitter and go out for dinner for an hour or two, but you can't ever go back to being the person you were before parenthood. I am and always will be (at least legally for the next 15 and 17 years) responsible for two other lives.