The Last

I have been feeling a bit sad, or rather, nostalgic lately. Recently we decided nearly 99% that we are finished having kids. We like having our family of four, and I have no desire to be pregnant or deal with a newborn anytime in the foreseeable future.

Though I am comfortable with our decision, I keep getting pangs of sadness now that Jacob has turned two and is transitioning into new experiences. Two weeks ago, our Gymboree sessions ended, and I realized I was not ever going back. No more dancing with Gymbo or shaking and stopping the parachute. Unless I have another baby or a birthday party, there is no reason to go to Musikids or Gymboree ever again. Suddenly, it struck me as a big life transition. I am the mom of two boys, not babies.

In just a few short years, or year, weekends will be filled with soccer games and getting homework done on Sunday nights. Jacob starts preschool next month, and though I am excited for him, I suddenly feel unsure about my baby leaving the nest.

As one friend commented last night, it is not that things go downhill from here, it is just that they are different hills. I really like that analogy. The baby/preschool years have definitly felt like a hill we've been climbing, and now Nate is nearly finished and Jacob is halfway up the hill. I like feeling that there are many more hills to climb as a family rather than plateauing out.

Things that make ya go 'hmmmm'

Usually I try not be a judgemental parent. I will admit it, I fail about 50% of the time. By judgemental, I, of course, mean judging other parents, not my own children! It is catty and a waste of time, but it is every new (by new I mean within 5 years) parent's favorite activity.

"Did you see how they dressed their son! No hat, and it is 65 degrees out!"

"I can't believe they hired that nanny, I would NEVER let my kids play with her. She is not bilingual!"

Often the judgements are made by very new parents of babies under a year old. They are sure they will NEVER give out lollipops to get a few minutes of extra quiet grocery shopping time. Or will never let their kids eat only chicken nuggets three times a day.

Tonight I had a moment of judgement, and I feel badly, because perhaps the parents had a really good reason, but I just can't see it.

Our favorite Sunday night dinner is an all-you-can-eat Kaitan sushi bar in Bethesda. For one price (kids 4 & under eat Free!), you can pull off plates of food moving along a conveyor belt and get sushi, fruit, edamame, tempura etc... The boys LOVE it, because they love sushi and the food moves by train. Could life get any better?

So tonight, we walked in, and there was another family with two young boys (sitting at our usual table I might add), and both boys had their own portable DVD players they were using to watch shows. I shrugged it off, thinking it was a pretty good, if extravangant, table toy to occupy them till their food arrived. (often parents don't do the conveyor and order chicken teriyaki for kids, if the kids don't have educated palates like my darlings).

The boys food never arrived. They ate no food except random bites of rice the parents occasionally shoved in their mouths. I will say the boys were nicely behaved and quiet. The parents got to eat and have adult conversation. But, as Matt pointed out, they could have /should have stayed home and done delivery sushi if they wanted sushi that badly.

Our boys know how to eat in a restaurant because we practice that behavior. We eat out a minimum of 1 time a week, and rarely in a "kid" restaurant. We go at 5:00, are usually alone in the restaurant, but they learn to sit, order food, wait, and eat with table manners.

Obviously, it is not always beautifully executed. Sake Club will need to dry clean their seat cushions (if not replace), we have broken at least 3 glasses at Matuba, the juke box at American City Diner has maple syrup in it, Dino has a rainbow of crayon markings on their table, and the list goes on, but the majority of the time, I feel confident going to a restaurant, because I set my expectation high. Reasonable, but high.

I expect my children to sit down at the table, choose between 1-2 options I present from the menu, talk or color quietly till the food arrives, and eat nicely once it does. I actually hate when waiters do us a "favor" and bring the kids food first. This just means they eat and are finished, leaving me to wolf down my food when they are clamoring to leave.

By setting the bar low and expecting your children to not be able to sit at a table and eat interesting food without the help of a DVD, I can't see how they will ever manage the task. That's just my judgemental 2 cents.

The Unbirthday Party

I have been giggling to myself now for 2 days about something silly I did. First, I need to give some background...For the past 3 years, I have been in a playgroup with the same group of women. We have met weekly for lunch and playtime with our children. The kids are friends, and the moms are friends, so a good time is had by all.

This week, playgroup happened to fall on one of the woman's birthdays. I thought it would be fun to host playgroup and turn it into a surprise birthday party. Well, the surprise was on us. After doing some email planning and buying a birthday cake (personalized of course), one of the other moms remembered that the birthday girl was not only not coming to playgroup; she was out of the country with her husband on a business trip!

So there we were, 4 moms and 7 kids singing Happy Birthday to someone not in the room! The kids thought it was hysterical, and so did we. Luckily, I did not go totally crazy and get the big bunch of balloons and decorations hung up.

Tick or Teat

I think one of my favorite parts of being a mom is that I get to go trick-or-treating again. I always loved it as a kid, and it is almost better as an adult, cause I dont have to dress up unless I want to and I still get all the candy. Oh the joys of having naive toddlers who sleep while Mommy rifles through their loot bags, disposes of the crap candy and eats the good stuff. They have no sense that they are missing one of their 4 snickers in the morning. They are not even sure what a Snickers is.

Watching Jacob trick-or-treat was hysterical. At first he sat in the stroller (no costume- I have always maintained that they do not get a costume until they can fully verbalize what they wish to dress as). He did not move until Nate came back and handed him a piece of candy. He at this happily until the third house at which point he wanted more candy. It was not until the 6th house that he realized that the people at each house were handing out candy if you said, "trick or treat!"

Then he was unstoppable. He was dogging Nate's feet three yards behind shouting "tick teat" at every door and happily trying to open every candy item he recieved. I think he would have gone all night if Nate and I had not declared an end.

Thus, our decision was easily made as to the theme of Jacob's birthday party next month. It will be Dessert/Candy party. There is a reason Jacob's nickname is "Chocolate-Jacob" He has an insatiable sweet tooth. I think he will be thrilled to have a party with sweets. The other moms may not love it though. Too bad.

Am I a Helicopter parent?

I keep hearing the term, helicopter parent and more and more, I am getting the uncomfortable feeling that I have inadvertantly joined the ranks of hovering, swooping parents. I never meant to be this way, and I am not even sure I am . I definitly used to be. When Nate was a baby, I was so hypervigilant and anal retentive about parenting him; I never relaxed and enjoyed it.

I am hopeful that I have relaxed somewhat and let my children just be. I am engaging in discussions of Wendy Mogel's, Blessings of a Skinned Knee;" the uber parenting "it" book of the moment. I just can't seem to find the balance between caring, involved parent and helicopter parent.

To be fair, Nate does not seem to let me find a balance. When I go to drop him off someplace he hangs on and panics. For example, we are participating in a sports class 1 afternoon a week. All the other 4 year olds, walk in and join the class. My son sits with me and runs after me if I attempt to leave. He will not participate unless I do too. Now, is this a question of me hovering and giving in to his anxiety? What are my alternatives? If I just leave and let him freak out, like I used to at preschool, I would be leaving him with a coach who has 15 other kids to worry about. We are on the 3rd class and he is improving in participation each class. My hope is he will get better each time to the point I can drop him off.

I wish there was a test. Remember the Purity test back from high shool and college? It was about 100 questions asking questions ranging from drugs to sex. Add up your score to see how you rank in purity among your peers. I wish there was a Helicopter Parenting Test. It would ask questions like:
1. Do you co-sleep?
2. Did you make your own baby food?
3. When your child falls down, how quickly do you pick him up?

What questions would you have on a Helicopter parenting test? Consider this a call for questions? How would you score? Are you laid back, hyper-vigilant, neutral?

Going Gray

Nate is a worry wart. If all is sunny in the world, he will find something to stress over. He is currently worried about getting old, specifically gray hair. A few months ago, as I mentioned, my Grandma died. Nate was reassured that people die when they are ,"very, very, very old."

A few days ago, he saw someone with gray hair and asked about it. I told him that peoples' hair turns gray as they get older, and that Grandma has gray hair and Bubbe has gray hair, and that I would get gray hair in a few years. (I then had to add that Grandma and Bubbe put special, "paint chemicals" in their hair to make it brown.) He thought about it for a few minutes, that sobbed, "I don't want you to die. I will miss you!"

He definitly equated gray hair=old=death. Though, I am sure many women feel that way when plucking their first gray roots, I had to comfort him that bodies change as they grow. Then we had a long talk about how his body had changed as he had grown. We looked at pictures from his baby photo album and compared his baby body to his current body. No hair, fat, wiggly arms, no teeth, much shorter.

I love and I hate these parenting moments, because they how insight into his mind and allow us to share a teachable moment. But, they also remind me of how in control I am of his perceptions and his phenomenology. It is a scary and powerful thing to be a teacher and parent.

Preschool Politics

Nate has been in school a full week now and he seems to like it. Several of the children in his class were also in his class last year. One of the girls was a big admirer of Nate's last year and we had one or two drop-off playdates with her, despite Nate inexplicably professing his dislike for her.

He had told me clearly that he was not interested in playdates with her, but I overrode him since I am friendly with her mother. I was fascinated to watch their interactions during the playdate expecting to see her annoy Nate or be otherwise ubnoxious. However, she was totally sweet and adorable in her attempts to engage Nate in play. Nate however totally ignored her and gave her the cut-direct as he played with other toys. For the life of me, I could not see what his problem with her was, but it was clear he wanted nothing to do with her.

So, they are together again, and apparently, she is begging her mom for Nate playdates and talking about Nate. Nate, however, was unimpressed and said he was "too busy with work for a playdate with her. He could however take some time off for a playdate with Ben or Oren. "

Now, what do I do? I smile politely and noncommitally each time the mom mentions a playdate, cause how can I tell her that my son does not like her friendly and adorable daughter! Any ideas? help!

I also find it amusing that girls always seem to choose the wrong guys for them. Somewhere in the preschool, there is a little boy begging his mom for playdates with Nate's spurned girlfriend!

Chubby Chase Day!!

I love my neighborhood. The other day, the boys & I walked (not drove) to Ct. Ave to get them a haircut, return our library books, buy some sneakers & grab some lunch. How lovely to walk and do all our errands on 2 blocks.

Though DC is a large and diverse community, walking through our neighborhood feels like Smalltown USA. We ran into 3 friends out walking their errands too, and to our delight ran into friends at lunch and were able to join them to eat.

After spending a week in Los Angeles, my love for DC and my neighborhood was renewed two-fold. I forgot what a big concrete jungle LA is. You have to really search for beauty and green serenity. It felt like we were always in a car, and you could not even walk a few blocks to run errands. Even driving on the Beltway here is so much prettier thanks to green medians and tree surrounds.

But, getting back to my neighborhood, today was Chevy Chase. Or, "Chubby Chase Day" as Nate called it. A good chunk of the community gathered at the main st. to watch a parade and bounce on moonbounces and paint faces. All the stores had sidewalk sales & the restaurants had cheap deals. We had perfect weather and we had a ball. Ironically, I only ran into one friend. We even got to schmooze with all the mayoral and ward 3 candidates. I have met the top 3 candidates for mayor, so it will feel very personal whoever wins since I have met him or her. (though personally I am rooting for Marie Johns. To learn why I am rooting for her, see her website at http://www.johnsformayor.com/.)

OK, off my soap box now, I have to go get Nate ready for his 1st day of school tomorrow!

The former USSR on Northampton St.

My boys have really wide feet. I can't go to the local Payless and spend $12 on character shoes for them. Oh no, nothing but Stride Rite or Geox for my little darlings' toesies. At $50/per I like a little fashion for my money.

Nate is outgrowing the need for light-up fire trucks and dinosaurs. Jacob is growing into that phase. So, when my boys need shoes, like most Upper NW moms, I head for the local kids shoe store on Northampton St. You all know where I am talking about.

The store is an institution. I think most DC NW kids get their first pair of Robeez or walkers there. However, recently, I have come to the conclusion that this store is like restaurants in the Soviet Union in the Eighties.

As a child, my husband traveled with his family to the USSR. Think Cold War, Glasnost, just starting. Matt told me that they would go to restaurants with 3-4 page detailed menus, but when they went to order, only 2-3 things would actually be available.

That has been my experience everytime I shop for shoes at this particular store. They have walls and walls of choices, but never actually the shoe I want in the right size. I always end up with some plain ugly white leather sneaker.

Today I resisted the temptation to just buy them anyway. I stood firm and said, "No, thanks!" So, now I am headed to the River Road shoe store with the Rocket shoe (you know the one). Or, I may try New Balance.

Wish me luck.

this had a funny title which I forgot

I wanted to write about babysitters and nannies. Matt came up with a hysterical title. Now we both forgot it. Damn. But, I can still write about the topic.

A few weeks ago, I turned onto a street in my neighborhood and saw a toddler strapped in her stroller sitting by herself on the sidewalk. I realized it was my friends daughter. I pulled over and waited for her nanny to show up. And waited. And parallel parked. And waited a bit more. It was about 3 minutes total. The front door of the house was open and the nanny had obviously run in for a forgotten item. But man, it would scare me to leave my kids like that.

I have not told my friend yet. I meant to, but she is really a passing aquaintence, and I dont know her style. Maybe she leaves her daughter on the sidewalk too. It is a friendly neighborhood.

I have no real point here but to generally point out the need for quality childcare in America. We pay a lot of money to women who have no real training in childcare, child development, education or any related field. In most cases, these nannies want to be in America and this is a highpaying job that requires no college degree. Strangely, the childcare providers with college degrees work at certified daycares where they make a lot less money.

After college, I interviewed at a reputable daycare and the pay was pittance for working 8am to 6 pm! Turnover at daycares is high and no wonder. However, these young, educated and enthusiastic teachers prefer doing daycare than private nanny because of the reputation of the job. Many people perceive nanny as a demeaning job, not a career. Yet, childcare teacher is a prefectly respectable job. If you took a survey of college seniors and asked them if they would consider being a professional nanny, the results would be a resounding no. However, ask that same group if they would consider a career as a day care center teacher, many would consider it.

They just don't know the true job descriptions:

Job 1: hours 9-5 or 8:30-6 . Take care of less than 3 children. Determine your own schedule. Lunch with friends and their charges (usually paid for by your employer.) Picnic in the park. Take a break while the kids go to art or karate class. some light housekeeping. Make $12-$15 an hour, often with health care benefits. 2-3 weeks paid vacation of your choosing, in addition to vacations when your employers leave town.

Job 2: hours 8-6 or 7-5. Take care of 8-10 children. Follow a strict schedule- work extra hours on lesson plans and prep work. No lunch break, other than eating at a tiny table with your charges eating nast beany weenies and chicken nuggets. Housekeeping including- diaper changing, clean up after meals, preparing the meals, cleaning the toys, washing down tables, floors. 10 days vacation, generally not during holidays. Pay- $7.50-$10/hour. Health care included.

Which job are you taking? Job 1? Yeah, me too!

Happy Birthday to You!!

Seriously, I am alive, I just took a break from updating for a while. Sorry to all my avid readers, and apparently, there actually are some.

Anyway, just to catch you up since I last wrote;
1. Jacob is still screeching before and during dinner. At least it makes me lose my appetite, so maybe I will lose the last few pregnancy pounds.
2. Nate had his 4th birthday party- which I will write about
3. We are planning a west coast 2 week jaunt, which I am beginning to dread. I dont want to live out of a suitcase for 2 weeks in a hotel room! But, we will see some great stuff.

So about Nate's birthdays... I will admit it, I get totally, ridiculously carried away. For his 1st birthday, we had a "Chicka Chicka Birthday" (A play on the Bill Martin, Lois Ehlert book, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom). Obviously, that is not a theme you can find at the local party store, so I made hand-cut paper invitations and invited everyone I knew with kids. Nate was completely overwhelmed and spent the entire party with his head in our housekeepers lap. (She was an invited guest, as she had young kids). We had alphabet cookies, and alphabet pretzels and alphabet everything.

I calmed down slightly for his second birthday, and did a "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" theme, which was easier to find stuff for. I only went slightly bananas on the gift bags and was searching dollar stores 3 months before his party for cars and books about cars.

I got bitten by the smart bug in 2005 and outsourced his birthday party. I simply wrote a check to a local kids gym and had a Dora the Explorer birthday party (it killed me to do a tv theme party after my 2 previous creative themes), but I will admit, it was super easy. After all, I just wrote a check- the gym went to the party store and got everything Dora. I did go slightly crazy over the invitations. I could not simply get the ugly Dora fill in the blank teeny invite cards. I went to the paper store and got gorgeous heavy weight lime-green paper with bright purple envelopes. Then the invitation read, "Come on Vamanos, everybody let's go to...Nate's party!" It had Dora stickers on the envelope.

This year was much trickier, Nate wanted a Rainforest Party. Then he wanted a Superman party, then a swimming party, then so on and so on. We settled on a rainforest party, but I did not know where to hold it or what to do for it. After last year's easy party, I did not want to have it at my house, so I scheduled a swim party then changed my mind. (I did not want to cut cake in a wet bathing suit) Then made plans for a hiking party at a nature center., then decided it would be too hot. Finally, we settled on a party at the National Aquarium. It was perfect. It was low key, just a few kids were in town for it, so the numbers were not overwhelming.

Now I just have 12 months to plan for number 5. I can't wait to see what he is into next year. His parties are really emblematic of where his interests lie. I also see his birthday as my anniversary of becoming a parent, so perhaps that is why I make such a big deal over them.

What do you do for your kids' birthdays? Have you or anyone you know gone really over the top? Although many would consider spending $100 for renting the aquarium + $75 on gift bags, paper goods, art supplies +$70 on food over the top.

tinntinitis

My darling Jacob is funny, cute and very smart. I love watching him explore his world and kissing his cheekers. However, around 5:00 pm every night for the past few months I would happily toss him down the basement steps and lock the door, and I dont even believe in spanking.

Poor, Poor Jacob begins to shriek and sob while I try to cook dinner and it continues until bath time. Nothing consoles him except me picking him up and resting his head on my shoulder. Obviously, I just love to do this as I attempt to cook dinner, set the table and occupy Nate. It got so bad the other night, Nate put his head on the table and whimpered then asked to go to school where no one screamed.

I am at wits end. I have tried adusting his nap- perhaps he is getting to much sleep to close to dinner. I have tried giving him a snack before dinner, perhaps he got too hungry. I have tried ignoring him, eventually he would stop right? Wrong? 45 minutes he went until I could not take it anymore and had to pick him up. He stood at my legs the whole time, hanging on as I made dinner. I can't wear him in a sling; my back still has not recovered from pregnancy.

I took him to the doctor, perhaps there is something very wrong? Nothing obvious, and I am not subjecting him to a spinal tap to check for West Nile Virus.


HElp! Help! Any ideas? I know he will out grow this, but meanwhile our family is miserable at dinner.

fitting in

I think we all remember our tween years with anxiety. For some of us it is with a shudder if we were not in the In crowd, and for those of us who were in the In crowd, one may shudder remembering how precarious a position we held. Pre-teens are vicious.

My sons are 4 & 1 respectively, so I clearly have some time to worry about social pressures, but even at their young ages, I can already see things forming and am wondering how or should I attempt to mold them.

For example, all of Nate's friends signed up for soccer practice together one day a week. Nate was pretty clear in his lack of desire to attend, so I did not sign him up. However, I can see special friendships and athletic ability emerging out of that class. Will this have long-term repercussions for my son who may be better placed in a science or computer class?

As an adult, it is easier not to worry. I know my son will find his place in the world and get comfortable in his skin. The fabulous, interesting and often handsome men I worked with in previous jobs were definitly not in popular sport cliques in high-school. They found their way in college and went on to MBAs and C-level positions. However, there are a lot of intervening years of social anxiety and angst.

I am just wondering what my role as a parent is. Obviously, I will support my son in anything (well, nearly anything, if he chops up another human, I will NOT help him escape to Israel). But what can I do to ease his path through the treacherous middle school years. Should I sign him up for sports classes? Or steer his interest to science and nature, which is already strong? I think I will offer a smorgasboard and let him select when he is older.

I do think sports are important and I played basketball and volleyball throughout high school. The competition and athleticism are important to me. I am fine if he does a non-traditional sport such as martial arts or skateboarding or swimming. I just dont know how to help him find his niche?

Shabbat Shalom...Hey!

Just a quick note before the sun sets and the Sabbath begins...

I realized today that I DID go back to work. I somehow took on the monthly preschool newsletter, both the writing and the conversion from paper to an electronic format. My friends (put that in quotes) volunteered me for the Craft fair committee (or crap fair as one friend put it). I am still working part-time as marketing director for the basketball program (check out www.bfbasketballacademy.com) and I am attempting to write a book.

And, on the side I am take care of 2 boys with less than 10 hours of childcare per week. Um, I may as well go back to an office full-time and get benefits. But, who write's the newsletters in Linda Hirshman's world. It is what makes my son's preschool a community rather than a simple school. I like the Kehilla.

I'm going to work!

Well, maybe, no I don't think so. I do work part-time from home, but Linda Hirshmans article in the Post made me reconside my SAHM position. I like the way she thinks, but without reading her full book, I can't critique it one way or the other.

I do find certain humor in being one of the many Mommy Bloggers out there whom she mentions. I am not quite sure how I ended up here as a SAHM taking on 95% of domestic chores, though my husband pitches in. A Lot. He does most of the grocery shopping (I make the list and cook the food), he gets gas for my car, he does the laundry 75% of the time, he drives the boys to school in the morning and drops off dry cleaning on the way, he reads them stories at night, and so on.

Wait a minute...what the Hell do I do all day, if he is doing all that?!?!? Blogging for one thing! ;-) And building elaborate lego zoos and garages. And buying teacher presents and organizing swim lessons.

Maybe I should go back to work full time, I wouldn't mind the paycheck and I think I would get more done. That's right. I would get more done, because by staying home and having infinte time, I get caught up in the minutae and create loads of little things to do.

Buying baskets to organize library books at the Container Store becomes a whole event. Organizing outgrown clothes by size in dustproof containers takes more time. If I went to work, I would simply work, come home, make dinner, clean it & go to bed. Maybe a load of laundry would get done, or I could afford resources to do the laundry for me!!

Oooh, work is looking tempting. But, who would sit with Nate & eat popsicles, or dig for treasure in the bag yard? I hate to cop-out, but I really have no answer. Are there any countries where there is balance? If I went back to work, who would watch my children? Decent daycares & nannies charge more per hour than I make after taxes.

It is NOT fair, I would like to work, but I do want to be home with my kids when they get home from school. My mom was home then went back to work, so I did the home with mom and latch-key thing. I liked when she was home. Selfish of me, I know, but there you have it.

Ok, this American dilemma is not getting solved tonight, and certainly not by my blog.

In touch

My 3, nearly 4, year-old is should be a sixties love child. He is very in touch with his feelings and able to verbalize it to the point of being melodramatic. (Insert slow, sad, deep voice) "Mommy. I'm feeling very sad today cause I miss Grandpa." I try to listen to him, acknowledge his feelings but not let him wallow.

So, today I decided as a treat to take him to see Cars the new Pixar movie. It was his second time going to the movie theater and he knew popcorn and candy would be involved. He was pretty psyched. My babysitter arrived at 2:00 pm, and I RACED to Wheaton, stopping for gas on Plyers Mill, ran into Target looking for Superman water sandals (no luck), and dashed into Giant for a weekly Supermarket shop, and made it back home to pick up Nate by 3:15 for a 3:30 movie.

Luckily the theater is just a few blocks from my house. We got our tickets and qeued for popcorn along with 20 other preschool boys and their moms. We waited in line for about 12 minutes for popcorn then finally got to our seats missing the previews. We sat through about 6 minutes of the movie when Nate announced it was too scary and he wanted to leave.

I had one of those "aaaarrrggh" moments. Did I really just bust my ass getting errands done so I could treat you to a movie only to get rejected. I also was not sure, was he really scared, or just acting contrary? I questioned him gently. No, he was emphatic. "Let's go home!"

So we left. The manager was nice and refunded the movie tix to my credit card and we went home and played in the backyard. No pressure to Nate, just a compliment for being smart enough to leave if he was scared.

Lesson learned:
1) Don't get Nate movie coupons for his birthday
2) AMC kid packs come with jolly ranchers not M&MS, so bring your own.

Goldfish Countdown

There is now only 1 goldfish left. Keep your fingers crossed that he survives.

Fluidity theory- Do NOT read if you are squeamish

So I have a theory that parenting is all about fluid, bodily fluids in particular. It all begins with a little semen, then moves onto a lot of pee and tears during pregnancy, which translates into a lot of water and blood in the delivery. Once your angel is here, you are drowning in tears (yours & the baby's), liquidy poop and spit-up. Oh, and don't forget milk, all over your shirt if you are breast feeding; all over your hands and counters if you're not. Then as your child gets older, you lose the spit-up and the milk, but gain juice everywhere and urine during potty training. You also get some blood as the child grows more daring and active.

I bring this up, because yesterday, I had a bodily fluid day. In fact, I am still cleaning it all up. Jacob, my darling little constipated boy decided to make up for lost time, or rather, dirty diapers. During dinner he had a large liquidy poop that some might label diahrrea (sp?). I waited till after doing the dishes to clean up and allowed him to air dry since he has never gone poop more than 1 every 2 days or so. Silly me. Rookie mistake number 1.

I ran upstairs for a moment to turn on the bath water and when I came downstairs, Jacob was sitting on the steps announcing "sit!" He looked so cute I picked him up and hugged him before I noticed the poop running all over his legs, on the stairs and now all over my chest and arms. Yuck, but wait, it gets worse. Carrying Jacob as far away from my body as possible, I rushed him upstairs to clean him off. While doing this, Nate came running in to tell me the bath was overflowing. He was overstated his case, but it did not stop me from racing in there.

I then brought Jacob back downstairs asking him to show me where he had pooped. I armed myself with a roll of paper towels and heavy duty carpet cleaner spray. He brought me to the stairs and touched the stain on the carpet. I wiped off his hands and sprayed, then he brought me to the next site.

There must be some law like Boyles or Newtons regarding toddlers and poop. It must go something like, "when looking for a place to poop other then in the diaper, toddlers will always aim for a carpet or material that is difficult to wipe down." So obviously, of the 10% of my house that is covered in rugs, Jacob picked the most expensive and had diarreah all over it. Then to make matters worse, he stepped full into it.

Poor little guy, he just looked down and began to sob. I think the full humilation of stepping into your own shit impacted him. He knew it was hard to sink lower than that. I wiped him down with a paper towel, swiped at the carpet then carried him upstairs and threw him in the tub, which was thankfully full.

Finally after the boys were sleeping, I jumped into my own shower and triple-scrubbed myself.

MOMO!!!

We did it! We have been talking for months about it, and we finally did it. We got a pet. Well, make that 5 pets, now down to 3. What kind of pet you may ask. Why goldfish of course!

My husband took Nate to a carnival supposedly to introduce him to rides and games. I think Matt really just wanted some fried dough and cotton candy. So they went and they ate junk food and they played games, and they won all the usual carnival junk, including a goldfish.

Obviously the goldfish came homeless with no worldy posessions other than his plastic bag and dirty water. After the boys went to bed, my husband and I placed our bets on how long the goldfish would last. Matt won the bet with his money on "dead by morning." I optimistically gave him 2 days.

With such forecasts, Matt drove out to Petco at 9:00 pm to buy a small tank and extra fish and fish food. He came home armed with a teeny tank and some friends for the carney fish dubbed Nemo by my boys. (or Momo, by the baby who can't say Nemo).

It was so fun to see their faces light up in the morning when they saw the tank with 3 fish swimming around. Sadly, byt lunchtime Nemo and one other were dead. Nate took it well. (See previous posts on talking death with Nate). Matt once again set out for Pet-co and came home with a much larger tank and 2 more fish.

It is now bedtime, and I am hopeful we will not have to talk about death again tomorrow.

Hee hee hee

Funny things the boys said today that keep me smiling:

Nate: (imitating a pirate) "AAAARRGH Ladies!"

Nate: "What's the news Bubbie? I'm listening."

Nate: "Let's not call Jacob Toasters anymore, let's call him Chocolate Jacob!"

Jacob: "Chocket, chocket!"

Linda: "New rule! All bathroom doors, must remain shut since Jacob is now sticking his body in the toilet."
Nate: (2 hours later) "New rule! No Driving into other cars! All in favor, raise your hands! New Rule! No driving on the sidewalk!"
Jacob: "nooo nool! noo nool!"

Responsibility part deux

It occured to me that I sounded sanctimonious about responsibility and how great I am for not getting drunk or putting on my iPod too loudly. Let me share some dirty little (and not so little secrets):

1) I have no Will- if something were to happen to me & my husband, it's a toss-up as to who gets the boys and what money they will have.

2) I have no life insurance and neither does my husband (this is not actually our fault, as we have applied several times and were refused based on a minor heart condition)

3) I have no emergency provisions packed despite living less than a mile from the White House, Capitol and NORAD back-up site.

4) I have no house alarm despite 5 robberies, 1 murder and 3 escaped mental patients occuring on my street, and my husband travels about 2 weeks of every month. (if you are a person with evil intent, let me assure you, I do have a black belt in karate and a raging case of herpes**)

I am sure there are other horrible things that I am irresponsible about, but those are the biggies that come to mind easily. Yikes! I am making it a goal to get those resolved, cause I do often wake up in a cold-sweat, panicking.

And speaking of that kind of responsibility and loss of freedom, there was a HORRIBLE story in the news yesterday about a father who threw his children off a 15 story balcony then jumped himself. It is hard for me to formulate complete thoughts and sentences about this. I get physically nauseated even thinking about it. Obviously something triggered a breakdown in this man to be able to hurt his children in this way.

To me, it seems suicide is the ultimate cop-out on responsibility if you are a parent. In some ways I understand though and can see it as a medical issue. Some people can die of cancer or heart attack, and some die of suicide caused by a mental disease. It is hard for me though to see murder of your children in this light. My heart just goes out to this mom; how does one ever recover from something like this. I know she never will, but how does one even get up and out of bed in the morning?

OK, now I am sad, and I promise something more lighthearted next time.


**I will send stickers to anyone who can name the movie that quote is stolen from.

Freedom

Two nights ago I laid down in bed with my iPod on, earplugs in. My boys were barely sleeping, but I needed to rest my eyes after Lasik. I didn't turn my music up very loud. It was not a nod to any fear of noise-induced deafness, but a sense of responsibility to my children that kept the volume low.

I realized that in the three plus years since becoming a mom, I don't ever just let go anymore. I don't turn my music on full-blast. I don't get rip-roaring drunk anymore (mainly due to a fear of dealing with 2 toddlers and a hangover). In fact, nearly everything I do is with one ear, eye or brain cell in tune with my kids.

It is hard to just let it all go, knowing that 2 little people are depending on you. If I turn my music on too loud, I may miss a cry for help after a nightmare. If I get silly drunk, I may have impaired judgement in the unlikely event one of the boys wakes up and needs me in the middle of the night for something more critical than a hug.

I think this is truly the loss of freedom that scares couples discussing the possibility of having kids. Sure there are the mentions of the little superficial things like movies, dinner dates, travel, sports cars etc..., but it is the more subtle loss of freedom that is much more profound in my book and it is also not quite understood until you are a parent.

You can hire a babysitter and go out for dinner for an hour or two, but you can't ever go back to being the person you were before parenthood. I am and always will be (at least legally for the next 15 and 17 years) responsible for two other lives.

Auto Reply: Out of Office

I am getting Lasik tomorrow, so it may be a few days before I am up to staring at the screen and typing. Check in later!

Did I say that out loud?

I was at the pediatrician this afternoon getting my baby checked for strep or an ear infection. Just a bronchial infection that 10 days of antibiotics should clear up. I always find the waiting room at the pediatrician interesting for people watching, because parents tend to be on their hyper-vigilant behavior.

Today for example, a mom left the bill-paying counter to snap at her two sons who were engaged in a very minor dispute, "let go of each other now or we will get in the car and go home now!" Uhm, Mom, hate to break it to you, but you're at the doctor's. Your boys want to go home!

Don't think that I am criticizng the mom though. She was simply caught in an "oops, did I say that out loud" moment. We all have them. On days when I don't get enough sleep, I find myself babbling idle threats to the boys about losing pajamas or toys or park days. I eventually shut up when Nate's eyes glaze over and he treats me like white noise.

Positive discipline is all about words that count and have meaning that your children believe. I think, and this is a total generalization, that husbands are very guilty of the bad, idle threats. I know my husband can get so frustrated after a build-up of misbehavior, and blurt out ridiculous consequences. They are such poor choices, I usually end up lauging. Come on sweetie, are you really going to remove his shoes and make him walk barefoot forever? Or, never ever read him a bedtime story again.?

It is so hard when you are caught in the heat of the moment not to shout out the first punishment that comes to mind, but worth it when you come up with the right, logical consequence and you can positively modify behavior.

What are some of the worst/ridiculous things you have said aloud to your kids while disicplining them?

Thanks for the memories...

My son brought home a portfolio last week from school holding several pieces of his artwork. Apparently he is not as prolific at school as he is at home, as there were only 3 pieces of art from the entire year. At home he goes through 3 pieces of paper in a minute.

I never know which art and projects to keep. Should I keep the ones that look the best or the ones with holiday meaning , like a Passover seder plate? Or, should I keep just the ones that mark milestones, like the paper that has nothing on it but three Ns, marking the first time he started to write his name?

So far, I have kept most of the art, but in a cleaning frenzy last year, I threw 99% of it away. I find though that it is not the art that I want to hold onto but the special and silly moments that happen and are gone before you can mark them. For example, my 3 year old is obsessed at the moment with his little brother's cheeks. He keeps kissing & poking them saying, "I can't help it, he has the cheekiest cheeks."

It drives the baby bonkers, but I just want to keep hearing Nate's voice saying "cheekiest cheeks!" Or this morning, when he came into our room for our AM wakeup call, he bypassed my side of the bed; went straight for Matt and said, "Daddy wake up. It's Mommy's day off. It's Mother's Day." It happened too quickly to get a camcorder out, and it won't resonate as nicely in his baby book.

It is these memories and moments that don't fit into a portfolio but hold so much meaning for me, because they come and go so quickly.

OMG it's a MEME

Anyone new to blogging may not know that a meme is a silly thing bloggers do that is reminiscent of a questionaire / survey we did we were tweens. (not that we were called tweens way back when). Anyway, here goes a MEME with a DC slant. The idea is that you fill it out too.

Number of Kids: 2
Gender of kids: boys
Ages: 3 1/2 & 1 1/2
SAHM/WFT/WPT: WPT (does blogging count?)
Fave clothing store for play clothes: Children's Place, Target
Fave clothing store for dressy: Janie & Jack, Full of Beans
Which Whole Foods: Tenleytown
Toy Store: Childs Play or Whirligigs & Whimsys in Wyldwood shopping center
Library: Chevy Chase or New Bethesda Arlington Rd.
Park: Chesapeake (they have 3 backhoes in the sandbox), I like Macomb too.
Museum: National Building Museum
Monument: Korean
Best zoo moment: watching orangutans on the O line, picnicking in the rest area of the Lions den with the Lion roaring at us
Favorite kid friendly restaurant- Matuba all u can eat kaitan sushi bar on Sunday nights, then Ben & Jerry's after. Or Kotobuki in the Palisades for $1/piece sushi (no high chairs though)
Rainy Day activity: library, Montgomery Mall, Ikea
Best Class with kid: Musikids or Silverstars with Coach Mark
Favorite Trail for hiking/biking: Roosevelt island or Rock Creek park leading into zoo


Ok, that's it. Lame, I know. I promise never to indulge again.

Houston, we have a p-r-o-b-l-e-m

I used to be a teacher. I hated it, but I loved teaching reading. I adore children's books in general and am thrilled to have an excuse to hangout in the children's section of the library now that I have kids. I have also been conducting a pseudo experiment with my three-year old. Before he was born, I wondered if I could teach him to read at an early age. I set rules for myself though. I would not use any high-pressure tactics, do any phonics drills and I would instill a love of reading as well as the ability to read.

So here's the kicker...it's working. Through a variety of techniques, which I will document in a book I am planning on writing (someday), my 3 1/2 year old is reading several words, writing several words, loving to read, and generally demonstrating a keen understanding of literacy.

The problem is that his understanding of the alphabet is leading to a problem for Matt and me. I know this happens to all of us eventually but it has hit full-force this week. We can't spell out secrets to each other anymore. For example, if I ask Matt, "What are you thinking for dinner? How does s-u-s-h-i sound?" Nate immediatly jumps in with, "YES!!! I want sushi! SUSHI!!!!!"

I know lots of kids do this based on memorization, but Nate is putting the letter sounds together when we spell & making very reasonable guesses. So now Matt & I need a new language to use in front of the kids. Unfortunately, he took high school French & I hablo espanol. You may see us at a Berlitz soon.

Flying the friendly skies

I am almost too exhausted to write this, but I will give it the old college try. About 2 hours ago, my family arrived back in our house after 6 weeks on the road. Yep, you read that correctly. Our itinerary looked something like this:

March 3-5 NYC (airplane, taxi)
March 24-27 Miami (Plane)
April 1-3 BF New Jersey (Road Trip- flat tire in Delaware!)
April 14 - 25 Miami (plane)
April 27 - 29 Miami (Metro, Marc Train, Plane, rental car)
May 6-8 Atlanta (plane, rental car)

That is a lot of travel for any road warrior, now keep in mind, we did all of that with a 1 & 3 year old! Why so many trips you may ask. Well, all of our family and friends decided to get married. There was not an event we could reasonably skip and no family to leave the kids with, so they came along, and along, and along. Though, my travels aren't the point, traveling with kids in general is.

Airline Travel: Getting through security can be a nightmare. Everyone has their tales of TSA incompetence and confusion. For the most part, I have found the TSA agents to be very nice and helpful when traveling with kids. They always give high-fives to the boys after they pass through the detector. They are patient as we take 10 minutes to disassemble our stroller, carseat, 2 backpacks, laptop bag, insulated lunch bag, pockets full of change, shoes, and coats. On a few memorable occasions, awesome agents have helped carry all of our stuff to another table so we could reassemble our gear. However, despite the assistance, it is very dificult to disassemble all the gear with 2 children, mainly due to the 40 Lb car seat. which leads me to my main point.

We would not bring a car seat at all if not for the incredibly stupid airline rules about baby seating. It makes NO sense to me that EVERYONE on the plane MUST keep seatbelts fastened at all times, unless you are under 2, in which case, feel free to bounce around the cabin. We always spend the money to buy a seat for our baby. First of all, it is a safety issue, secondly it is a comfort issue. How can anyone sit on a place for more than 40 minutes with 25 wriggling pounds and hands grabbing at hair, glasses, water glasses etc... So we make the effort to lug the car seat through the airport and onto the plane.

Once my older son turned two, we stopped bringing the car seat & just buckled him in. This is where I really find fault with the airlines. If my son were 5"10", 300 Lbs, the flight attendants would hasten to bring him a seatbelt extender. However he is 3'6", 35Lbs and they come over to chastise and make sure his seatbelt is fastened. The answer is yes, it is fastened, but he is so skinny, it just slips right off. Why can't they design a 5-point harness, or seatbelt reducer, or allow booster seats on the plane?

I am debating internally whether to start a campaign much like the ADA compliance act, except for children and little persons. Restrooms, with more than 3 toilets must make 1 of them low enough for a child to reach and provide a stepstool for hand washing at the sinks. Public transportation should have some available seatbelts. Airlines should have safe seating for people of ALL sizes. TIVO should be required in every household. Wait, that is from a different wish list. Seriously though, what bothers you when traveling either around town or farther a field with your little ones?

The dreaded conversation

One of those dreaded moments came a few days ago. My beloved Grandma died. She had been sick for a short time, and in true Bobbie fashion, she went out in her own way, refusing to linger in a sick bed.

Her death meant that we had to face the decision of telling our 3 year old son that his Great-grandmother had died. He was only 22 months when his other great-grandmother died, so we never bothered telling him. We figured he would never ask, but he had a real relationship with Bobbie and had spent the previous week playing in her apartment with her.

I consulted the director at his preschool who gave us a packet of reading and ideas for ways to have the conversation. We discussed putting it off till I was feeling less grief, but I felt it was important to tell him right away. (no idea why)

We figured the conversation would go something like this:

"Nate, we have sad news to tell you."
"What?"
"Remember how Grandma Bobbie went to the hospital because she was sick? Well, the doctors did everything they could to help her, but her body was very sick and her heart stopped working and she died."
"Oh, can we visit her? Where is she? in our backyard? Linny the Wonderpet is a hamster."

That was pretty much how it went, except he focused on it a bit more than expected and asked us to repeat the sad story. Then he told us a Superman story instead of a Wonderpets moment. He saw that I cried as I told him, but it didn't seem to scare him; it just attached a bit more importance to the news I think.

Later in the day, he wanted to hear the sad news again. We told him again, and that we could always remember Bobbie by thinking of a something we had done with her or looking at a picture of her. He then requested to watch our wedding video to see her and wanted drawing paper to draw a picture of her. He did an amazing job on the picture and even captured her earrings that she was never without.

It has been a week since she died and 2 days since we told Nate, and I miss her terribly, but my grief has been eased by being so busy with the boys, I can't stop to focus. But, I dont feel like I am missing a grieving process, because I am sharing with Nate. Just today, he and I baked banana bread, and I told him that Bobbie was the person who taught me how to bake. He replied, "Now we remember her in our minds!"

Sophie Buckman and Cooper Banks-Mackenzie

My mom and I were chatting tonight and we got into the conversation about what my children call different adults. I realized that I nearly always introduce my children to other adult's by their first names. All of my friends children call me Linda. I can't imagine being called Mrs. Heller. Nate calls all his friend's Moms by their first names.

I read somewhere that your childhood rules are usually the best indicator for whether you will be more formal or casual when it comes to children and adult names. Why then am I, who grew up calling all adults Mr. or Mrs. S0 & So, totally casual when it comes to kids calling me Linda or introducing adults by their first names to my children. To this day, I still call my parent's friends Mr. and Mrs., despite the fact that I have known many of them for more than 30 years and consider them as dear as family.

I could not come up with any strong reason, but then I realized that the majority of my friends do not share last names with their children. Most (keep in mind there is no scientific polling data behind this statement) women these days are getting married later into their professional careers, and do not take their husband's last name. So, when they have children, the children have their father's last name. In some cases, the child has a combination of last names of hyphenated.

It is hard enough to keep track of all the first names, let alone instruct Nate to "say hello to your friend Benjamin Schwartz and his mom, Mrs. Rosenstein." I think for clarity and sanity, we have made an unspoken pact to simplify by giving everyone only one name, their first.

What do you do among your circle of friends? First or last names? Do you prefer more formality.

To tell or not to tell

My husband and I have recently changed our philosophy on an important parenting issue. The question is, when hiring a babysitter for the night, do you tell your children you are leaving? Especially, if, like many parents, you put your children to bed before the babysitter even arrives.

If all goes according to plan, your child will sleep; the babysitter will surf your TIVO, and your child will wake you up in the morning as usual without ever knowing you left. My husband and I always used to go this route. However, recently we have changed tacks due to a lingering fear of mine in which Nate wakes up, discovers we're gone and loses all trust in me. (Somehow I always get blamed for these types of incidents. i.e. Daddy goes away on business, I get the brunt of anger.)

We have decided in the last six months that it is better to deal with the 20 minute sulks that come when he is told a babysitter is coming. We have even been so daring to allow the babysitter to put the boys to bed and we can catch dinner AND a movie. By putting the boys to bed ourselves, we only had time for one amusement.

I know several close friends are still going with the T.S.P choice of tucking in, sneaking out, and praying to god the children stay sleeping. I would highly recommend the Jerry Spring method of bare all, tell all. Deal with the whining for a few minutes. I just know my child would never sleep alone in his bedroom again if he were to wake up with us gone and a babysitter in our place.

The other trick we have been doing lately is not requiring bed. The boys are usually willing to play with a strange person for a while but have anxiety about a stranger tucking them into bed. On the few occasions when we have traveled for weddings and had to have hotel babysitters, we just told Nate that he did not have to go to bed. He could wait up for us, but he had to put his pajamas on, and he could sit in our bed and wait for us. Sure enough, within 20-30 minutes of his usual bedtime, he would simply pass out in our bed and we carried him to his bed when we returned home from the event.

How do you all handle babysitter issues. Do you tell and leave or tuck and pray?

teed- off

I actually wrote a really long and decent post last night, but did not have time to finish it so I saved it as a draft. Somehow, it is missing. I am so bummed I cant think about rewriting it yet, so I will go eat some chocolate instead.

I'm Lovin' it!

So we had a first tonight. We have made it 3 1/2 years without introducing our children to the iconographic American institution that is the Golden Arches, more specifically, the drive-through, and it had been at least 3 more before that since Matt & I had entered a McDonalds.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not an organic, homemade babyfood type of gal. Just this morning, Nate & I split a bag of jelly beans, then licked the bowl of brownie batter. But, we keep kosher so most of the major fast-food chains hold no appeal for us since there is nothing we can eat on the menu. (one exception is Subway, which is a frequent destination for us)

However, tonight, Nate picked a chocolate milkshake for his dessert treat. We were out in Kensington, so I suggested we just swing into MickeyD's for the shake. It just did not occur to Matt & me, until it was happening, that we had just introduced both our boys to the world of fast food.

First we pulled into the 24 hour drive through where we sat like idiots not knowing which speaker to place our order into. Nate was highly curious about this process,

"Is this our parking space?"

Then we pulled around to pay.

"Do we go in now Daddy?"

After paying Matt pulled forward to the next window, then we panicked. Who would deliver the food; had we erroneously pulled up?

"Where's my chocolate milk shake daddy?!?!"

They must have felt the bewilderment coming out of the car since someone came over to reassure us that shakes would be arriving shortly. Speaking of short, when the children's shake arrived it was not small- it was at least 10 oz.

Both boys grasped their cups contentedly and sat back safely beneath their 5 point harnesses and sipped at the sickly sweet concoction, that legally is just called a shake, cause it has no milk. Nate examined his cup.

"Who's this guy?"

"That's Ronald McDonald."

"Who's that"

"uuuuhhhh, a clown. How's your shake?"

I am now officially panicked that the boys will recognize the golden arches and I will have screaming fits begging for milk shakes when I drive by. Then it will only be a matter of time before they notice the menu outside has pictures of chicken nuggets and fries AND toys, usually from their favorite movies. Oy, I guess I am finding an alternative route to River Road, the only McDonalds we regularly drive by.

He Speaketh!

The weather was so beautiful tonight, we all went for a walk after Shabbat dinner. We strolled over to the dog park on Ft. Reno hill. Nate & Matt were at the top of the hill when Jacob began to point and call, "Net, Net, Net!"

I just about fell over. Jacob has a pretty extensive vocabulary and regularly calls Mama & Dada, but had yet to acknowledge his brother by name. We figured it was because Nate has so many alter-egos, Jacob could not figure out whether his name was Superman, Bob, Diego, or Firefighter. He apparently figured it out tonight and vocally made it clear.

I am so happy since I really want the boys to be super close. I always thought it was so cool in highschool when brothers would hang out together. I really want Net & Jake to do that. I am considering forcing them to share a room to induce bonding. I have this naive vision of them huddling in bed-tents and giggling and conspiring against Matt & me. That would be great- I want to promote togetherness.

A New York Minute

We took the kids to New York this weekend, or as Nate calls it, Metropolis. I was curious to see the Manhattan moms and kids in their natural habitat. My perception has been that NY parents are slightly more neurotic and high-strung on parenting. Perhaps I would be too, if I had to pay $30K for preschool.

Some Observations:
1. Other than the more expensive clothes, the Manhattan moms and Upper NW moms were pretty similar. At lunch on the Upper East Side, I sat next to 2 toddlers and their moms. The girls were wearing school uniform like jumpers lined with Burberry trim. At the next table a mom and her toddler were having lunch. She looked very laid back till she got up to leave and pulled on a floor-length mink. No one I know owns or ever wears mink, especially to pick your toddler up from school.

2. Babies and toddlers in NYC see the world from behind a clear plastic curtain. 99% of strollers I saw (the other 1% were tourists) had their children protected with those clear plastic rain hoods. There was not a cloud in the sky the entire time I was there. I wonder what they were shielding their children from.

3. The Children's museum of Manhattan is a very fun place to take your toddlers.

And thus concludes my Metropolis observations. Though, I can't imagine raising my boys in the city. Just running errands like the grocery store is a pain in the arse. DC is a perfect combination of suburban city for me.

Bratty McBrat

Help, my 3 year old has been body snatched and replaced by whirling dervishes on crack. If anyone remembers the movie Gremlins, that is what he reminds me of by the afternoon. He moves with Category 5 Hurricane destructive force towards everything in the house.

I am sitting right now typing amongst a 2 foot high pile of tissues pulled from the box, multiple socks stolen from his baby brother's feet, my previously well-ordered tax forms now in a mishmash pile, a sticky puddle of grape juice (despite the no eating in the living room rule), once clean laundry dumped from the basket, random toys that lost their way from the play room, a monkey hanging from the plant, and muddy red rainboots.

I cannot summon the energy to get up and straighten this mess up, and I clearly did not have the energy to prevent any of the previous from happening. I just couldn't say no and mean it today. Well, I meant no, but I lacked the backbone to back up any consequences, so Nate had another day of ruling the roost. There are days when we click and we are dressed and out the door for adventures, and there are days, like today, when we sit in our pjs all day watching Maisy and eating snacks, not regular meals.

I think it is the best thing about parenting; I am allowed days like today. I won't get fired. I just have to be careful to put my foot down and maintain the parent role more days than I don't. And now I will end this boring post, I just wanted to share some mundane and frustrating details of parenting. My previous posts painted a picture of a mother in total control and doing her job with ease. While I do think I am doing a good job, I know I have my off days- today is one of them.

In totally unrelated news, I was so excited to see all the other moms of young kids at the Oscars last night. Go Reese- mother of two toddlers & Oscar winner; Rachel Weisz, 7 months pregnant & radiant; Jennifer Garner- a few weeks post partum and looking healthy, not like she had a tummy tuck along with delivery.

Cartoon Violence

A new study came out today that states that kids cartoons are more violent than ever. The study seems to feel that today's cartoons with laser and sword fighting are much more damaging than the humorous violence of Wily Coyote and Tom & Jerry.

Luckily my kids are too young to watch the Cartoon Network, which purportedly is the most violent. We are big fans of Sprout and I can always trust that the shows on it are gentle and interesting for my kids.

If anything, I think that some of the networks today are churning out shows that are so anti-violence or anything potentially controversial, they are actually banal, and I don't mean that in a nice way.

Several children's programs that I have watched with Nate recently make me want to gag with their insipidness. One in particular, Disney's Little Einsteins, really bothers me. For one, it cashes in on the whole Baby Einstein product, the videos marketed to parents of infants promising to make your newborns smarter. (Disney purchased the Julie Clark Einstein Company a few years ago)

The Little Einsteins are 4 toddlers that go on adventures, and the whole show is set to classical music and features paintings by famous artists. On one hand, I am all for including classical music and art. On the other hand, I find the 4 Einstein children to be pedantic, insipid, and, worst of all, boring. They have zero sense of humor, unlike another Disney Show, Higglytown Heroes, which makes me laugh with its zany sense of humor and imperfect characters.

I watch TV for entertainment value, and I let my kids watch it so I can get the dishes done, dinner cooked, go to the bathroom, etc... undisturbed. Additionally, I wonder whether parents today are so overly concerned about exposing their children to any negative influence that we over-protect them and shield them unnecessarily. Life is not always a rosy place, and I think kids instinctively know this. Would it be better to relax our guard a little and let some murkiness into their lives, teaching them that they have a safe haven in our protective arms if they need it?

I just don't know, and I find myself grappling with this issue more and more as Nate grows older and his friends and interests grow more out of my direct control.

I know I am about to blashpheme, but I have been feeling it more and more lately, so I'll just say it.

Dr. Sears is old-fashioned and sexist but cleverly disguises himself and his Attachment Parenting theory as a touchy-feely, liberal mother's bestfriend.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I dutifully read "Dr. Sears Baby Book," like all the other UpperNW moms. I ran out & got a doula, and when Nate was born, I roomed-in with my baby at the hospital, never mind the fact that my C-section so debilitated me I could not stand on my own, let alone hold a newborn. I breastfed despite latching problems and pumped when I just could not take the bleeding nipples anymore. We slept with our little darling inches away from us, and I wore him in a sling till I ended up at the chiropractor.

We continued this for 1 year, though Nate did get moved to his own room at 4 months, and I was never away from him for longer than 2-3 hours. This is Attachment Parenting a parenting philosophy touted by experts such as Dr. Sears, our own Dr. Spock. It seemed as if all the moms I met were practicing this in some form or another. Our mothers were definitly questioning us, I know my own mom did.

"Are you really going to breastfeed, how will you know if she had enough to eat? Can I just give the baby some water in a bottle? Are you ever going to put the baby down? Do you have a playpen for him?"

I don't want to get into all the details of attachment parenting, but some of its tenets advocate breastfeeding on demand for at least the first year, co-sleeping with your child, wearing your baby in a sling, and soothing your child always, especially at night. Cry-it-out is a no no for APiers. At first this all seems hunky dory, after all, what new mom wants to be accused of not being attached to her baby.

But recently, I have started to analyze API a little more closely, especially as I have 2 children and did not come close to following the theory for Jacob, except for the breast feeding. (Mainly cause money was tight, and breast milk is free!)

So back to my blasphemy about Dr. Sears and my recent disenchantment with our 21st century parenting ideal.

1. Attachment parenting International is a major organization with most cities having their own chapter. These chapters have weekly meetings so the parents (moms) can get together for support. Parenting is tough, and there is nothing better then venting with some friends, but a parenting style should not be so difficult as to necessitate weekly support and counseling.

2. Breastfeeding is awesome and is medically proven to be better for the baby. However, it ties a mother to the baby in a way that does not allow her much freedom. Breastfeeding and working at the same time is a feat of superheroic proportions. Try explaining to your colleagues that you were late for a meeting cause you were sitting in a bathroomstall/tiny closet pumping.

3. Co-sleeping is nice for baby but wreaks havoc on your marriage. In Judaism, husbands and wives may not have intercourse when anyother living creature is in the room with them. I assume this law dates back to pagan rituals and the writers just wanted to ban orgys for the Jews. (darn ;-), but in modern times this means that husbands are often relegated to the guest bedroom for a few months. Not good for a marriage, and not good for a new mom to not even have time to feel like a desirable women by making love with her husband. Ain't gonna happen with a baby in the middle of the bed.

4. Wearing baby in a sling- I ended up with accupuncture, physical therapy & chiropractic visits. Enuf said. Put the baby in the bouncy seat!

5. Never letting baby cry, especially at night. Mothers will either end up as human pacifiers, and baby will never learn to self-sooth. Now, I am not saying I shut my children in their room, leaving them cry, but I did teach them that lying in the dark and learning to go to sleep is o.k.

Never letting them cry is getting taken to the extreme, and I am concerned that we are raising a generation of spoiled, demanding brats. Attachment Parenting teaches the children that their needs are so important and all encompassing that they come first. Moms needs tend to get lost, and we are being told that it is ok. It is NOT ok, moms needs are very important, and sometimes children will just have to wait, even if it means crying.

A friend of mine told me a story recently about her visit to another friends house. This woman had gone shopping with her 10 month old and the baby kept crying in the car seat on the way home. Rather than let the baby cry, the mom put the baby in the sling and hiked the 5 miles home holding the groceries. Good Lord! This is API taken to the extreme, and I think it is ridiculous. The child was not going to die in the car for a 10 minute ride. Better to let him scream for a little bit, then get home & meet his needs.

I have a bit more ranting to do, but I think this is getting too long, so I will end for now and continue my API rant later when I bring up spoiling & spanking. (Yes to the first, no to the second.)

"Balance balance, use your balance." (JoJo's Circus)

So I need to apologize for my last post. I came across as demeaning the music classes and everything we SAHMs do. In reality, I love our music class; I think the babies adore it and that is what counts. Additionally, I know I am the luckiest bitch in the world. I get to stay home in my pajamas if I so choose and play toys all day with 2 of my more favorite people in the world.

I have no deadlines and set my own schedule. I report to no one other than demanding toddlers and I get paid in hugs, kisses and giggles. I get plenty of grown-up company- thats what playdates are for. I have time to watch my Tivoed shows, read the newspaper (never anything about children getting hurt), and experiment with new recipes. And if sometimes, if my brain feels like I have cobwebs in it from lack of use, a game of Sudoku helps.

I will admit to feeling a bit lackluster at parties with little to contribute to parties other than poop stories. I barely remember, what did I talk about before becoming a mother? It also feels like an apology sometimes when I answer the ubiquitous DC question, "what do you do?" In DC in particular, this is a major hot button. What do you do defines who you are. I guess that is the case all over the world, but profession really speaks volumes inside the Beltway. Answering "homemaker," always a little defiantly, daring someone to denigrate me, makes me question my choices a little.

I would like to find a bit more balance professionally. I have been meeting with the same playgroup for 3 years now. There are 3 other women with their children in it. One day in the first weeks of meeting, after a particularly scintilating discussion about spit-up, I asked the other women their professional histories. We were amazed to discover among us 1 Kellogg MBA, 1 PH.D. in psychology, and two masters degrees. "What a lot of education going to waste," we laughed. But then we questioned whether it was wasteful. We were, after all, raising the next generation. Who better qualified to raise our children then ourselves?

Despite my firm belief in that theory, I, and I think my playgroup cohort, would like to find more balance to put our educations and work experience to good use. What a shame for the American work force to have all of that brain power deactivated for years. Two of my playgroup partners have gone back to work part-time and I see how they struggle with the balance. There are sick nannies and sick children and laundry and grocery shopping and sudden urgent work meetings. As a comic strip my former boss, who did seem to have a strong work balance act, had hanging on her cubicle announced, "Part-time Pay, Full-time Work.- The life of the working mommy."

Snow Daze

Like many NW moms, I drag my babies to music classes (www.musikids.com) where we overstimulate them with shakers, scarves and bubbles. At first I took my older son, because it was a great place to meet other moms. (See previous post about mommy dating) I took the classes very seriously and clapped along and sang out of tune enthusiastically, because it was expected, and I took perverse pleasure in the cleverly disguised as cooing for other babies, but in reality are comparisons that highlight your own child's superiority in some ridiculous acomplishment.

"Look how Ainsley reached out to catch a bubble! Oh Ashton are you trying to help Mommy blow bubbles?"

"Oh my, I'm sorry Nate crawled in front of Taylor during the ball game. He is such a fast crawler, it is so hard to keep up."

My darling son stacked up well in these comparisons as he was an early and fast crawler and talker.

Now I am doing round two of musikids with Jacob, and it is a whole new ball game. I show up as the class is starting. I exhange murmered greetings with the other mothers and make no overtures beyond that, and I barely look at the other children. After all, I am there to focus on Jacob as he rarely gets to be the sole object of my attention. Luckily, the other moms in the class are like-minded as these children are all second or third siblings and the mother objective is to get in, sing the songs and get out in time to pick up the older sibs from preschool.

In some ways, I enjoy it more, because Jacob so obviously loves getting to sit on Mommy's lap for a whole hour and sing songs. On the other hand, I was hard pressed the other day to stop a fit of giggles in class. I looked around at the other Moms singing a ridiculous song about a wise old owl and the absurdity of the situation struck me. There we were, 10 highly educated and intelligent women crouched on a dirty carpet flapping our wings and yelling "hoo hoo!"

Have other mothers in history endured such levels of ridiculousness to possibly give their children a slight edge in the intelligence game? We are so anxious about our children's school and career futures that we are dragging them to all sorts of classes and extracurricular activities in the hope to give them a competitive edge. Lest my comments deserve a backlash, I will admit the children do enjoy the classes. But as I rush now to get dressed before heading out to class, I wonder if our time could be better spent?

Me & the Boys

Mommy dates

Yesterday I introduced my fellow DC Urban Mom crew in sweeping generalizations but neglected to detail myself. For the most part- I fit the description of Upper NW Mom pushing my 2 boys, 27 months apart, in their Peg-Perego to local story times at Politics and Prose.

But, I don't always fit the mold. For one, I am one of the younger moms in DC. I did not have a wildly successful career before entering motherhood. I had both my boys under the age of 30 (ok, Jacob got pulled out 3 weeks before I turned 30, but still...) For DC, this is an anomaly. My OB would have me pee in a cup then dismiss me. I was so low risk compared to the pushing 40-something, IVF, career-women sitting next to me in the waiting room at the doctor's.

I am 31 now, have a 3 1/2 year old boy and a 14 month old boy. I am married and have been since I was 22! (Again, another DC anomaly). I went to college in DC and stayed for my masters in education, but I hated being a classroom teacher. However the experience helps me tremendously as a SAHM. Nothing was as hard as being a first-grade teacher. It hardened me for all future jobs. Years later, whenever I had a stressful day writing press releases or dealing with CEOS, I would remind myself that it was still easier than dealing with 25 seven-year olds & their demanding parents.

For the last 4 years, I have been home with the kids. The first year was incredibly hard, mainly cause it was SO boring. By 4:00 each day, I was ready to tear my hair out. I had no friends in the area, as we had recently moved back to DC from California, and all my college friends were still unmarried and existing on different planes. There seemed to be mostly nannys at the park and for a while, I hung out with them, but they always seemed suspicious of me, for reasons I wll go into in later posts.

I resorted to college techniques of picking up men, but applying it to other moms. I would head for story times or music classes and make eye contact and shamelessly flirt with other moms who seemed to share my style in parenting and usually found the stroller to be the best indicator of commonality. I always seemed to click with other Peg-Perego Venezia moms. Anything higher-end trended toward more neurotic nervous moms, and anthing lower-end, well, I didn't see a lot of Even-flo in my hood. My pick-up lines ran the course of, "What a cute onesie. Where did you get it?" "How old is your baby?" "Would you like to meet for a playdate next week?" I made some of my closest friends this way and still have playdates with them with our younger children while the older sibs are in pre- school.

I was always pleasantly surprised by how thrown the other women were in their new role as mom. I thought I was the only one suffering from serious doubts about my competence, but I met women who outshone me in the doubting department, and I found myself sharing advice and feeling like a parenting expert. As my boys have grown, my confidence level has too. I think I am dong a heck-of-a-job parenting. I wish I had a boss who could review me and give me my annual bonus, but I know the only reward I will have are the ones my boys give me.

Like this morning, when Jacob the 1 year old crawled over to Nate & threw his arms around him & gave him a giant hug & they stayed snuggled like that for several minutes. I burned a memory of that in my mind to carry over for future days where there are hits instead of hugs and tears instead of giggles.

An introduction..

So I had a date with my husband last night- the first in a while. Over Aloo Gobi and naan, I waxed poetic (ok, I whined) about my dissatisfaction with my career life. We rehashed my illustrious and ephemeral career path thus far.

• Teaching first grade- bad choice
• Project manager- I never figured out MS project and my ADD caused projects to spin in multiple directions at once
• PR guru and marketing gal was fun, but mainly because it was the middle of the dot-com boom and it was a wild ride for all involved.
• Stay-at-home-Mommy- so far this career choice has lasted the longest and been the most enjoyable, albeit loony at times. But, lately I'm looking for more. I feel a bit antsy when the highlight of my brain activity for the day is putting together Thomas train track.

My husband tolerated the whinging for a while, then pushed me (metaphorically, though he did yoink the last naan) to carve out my own path. "Write about it," he urged. "You keep bragging about some writing contest you won in high school. Become the DC mommy expert. Write a book."

I was intrigued, but hesitant. Where does one start? I have made motherhood a full-time job and obsession, and I love offering unsolicited advice to my playgroup pals, nannys at the park, and newbie mom friends. Could I make it a career too?

I stated my self-doubt. Again my husband rolled his eyes, "blogging.."he handed up as though the word had been spelled out in tikka masala sauce, but I had some how missed it. So here I am today, entering the world of mommy blogging. I know there are hundreds, if not thousands, of us out there, but I believe there is room for all of us. Plus, I offer the perspective of upper-northwest mom with a little Jewish on the side.

For those not in the know, Washington, D.C. is broken into four quadrants, each housing a unique population and flavor. Upper-Northwest is generally where the affluent, educated and often (but not always) caucasion folk reside. This is not to say there is not affluence, education and white in SW, SE, and NE- There is! But, Upper Northwest, in general and sterotypically, can be classified as where the money and higher degrees are. I am the only non-lawyer on my street (I only have a lowly masters degree- in education, horror of horrors!).

Upper Northwest is the antithesis of a Red-state. During the most recent presidential election, a young democrat volunteer with his grassroots zeal burning a trail behind him, came a-knockin on doors on our street, soliciting votes for the Dems. I commended his effort, but tried to gently break it to him that his time would be better spent calling red-states, as one neighbor was a Clinton advisor and another is a senior democratic pollster & lunches regularly with the CA senators. But I digress, I just want to give a sense of the neighbors I rub elbows with while on line for our daily Starbucks fix.

We are the Peg-Perego pushing (bugaboos are too decadent), Seven-wearing, NPR listening Moms. We drive our Volvo XC-90s, shop at Whole Foods and pay taxes and health care for our legal nannys. We live in older homes (never gasp! McMansions) and do a lot of online shopping since Walmart & K-Mart are not in the city. We have 2 or 3 children all spaced under 3 years apart, since most started families in our 30s. We read a lot about parenting and have very definite ideas and neuroses about parenting that we air publicly on www.dcurbanmom.com. For most of us, this is the most serious and stressful job we've had to date.

We all have college degrees; some have post-graduate degrees and most were successful in a chosen career path before motherhood. Yet. giving birth unleashed a flood of insecurities about ourselves and our ability to be the best mother and raise the brightest, most empathetic, well-adjusted children.

Now you have a glimpse into the glossy surface that is the live of the Upper NW DC Mom. Join me as I examine who we really are and share stories from the trenches of mommyhood.

Cheers!

Linda